Last Sunday was a non routine day for me. I was away from the children for half a day. I was thirty kilometers from home trying to piece my life together in a ballroom hotel.  Eight hours later I called my spouse to get an update.   I was almost sure that one child would have broken his leg, and the other would have set the house on fire.  I was pleasantly surprised to hear a child’s voice at the other end of the line.  I couldn’t make out if it was Daniel or James,  but the voice was excited.

“Hello Mummy!!”

“Close your eyes.  I have a surprise for you!”

Surprise??  No one had ever surprised me with anything for a long time.  And using the phone? 

“Close your eyes!!!”

And so, standing in the middle of the hotel lobby with a phone glued to my right ear, among a hundred other adults, I closed my eyes waiting in genuine excitement for my surprise.

“Open your eyes! Ta da… your Casuarina!!”

My eyes flew opened, and there it was. The most beautiful green plant I’ve ever seen.

Suddenly another voice interrupted.

“Mummy, papa won’t let me watch Rolie Olie Polie! Ok bye!”

These were my kids, preoccupied in their time and space.  They didn’t understand that I was miles away and couldn’t see them.  Suddenly I missed them already.  Was it just this morning I looked forward to a noisy free day away from my children?

It is good to be away from the boys for a while, even for only half a day.  It gives me some breathing space, and makes angels out of my boys.Have a good week ahead! Cheers!

PS The house didn’t get burn down, and no leg was broken when I got home.

Daniel is my first-born.  He came into our world three weeks early.   During the first two days of his young life, he didn’t open his eyes.  And when he did, he opened only his left one to inspect his new environment. At five pounds six ounces, he didn’t look like a cute Johnson baby to me.  Instead he looked skinny and raw. And when parents naturally raved about how beautiful and lovable their babies were, I could find nothing nice to brag about mine,  He woke up every hour crying during the nights, and was hardly good company for a tiring mother.   His incessant crying drove me up the wall, and I often asked, can I return him to the hospital?  

Fast forward seven years later.  Daniel is one third of my height today.  He is growing up strong and healthy.  Even now, I feel that the odds are against him in our competitive world where good looks matter and only the super rich gets ahead in life.  Amongst his siblings, he is the least attractive, the least sociable, the least agile and the least outspoken.   I remember this incident clearly.  We celebrated his third birthday together with his papa’s.  Our little superstar was crying as we were happily singing his birthday song.  He absolutely hated it!  And caught forever in one snapshot were our two birthday boys - a very happy father and his tearful son. I was bitterly disappointed he didn’t enjoy the party I had painstakingly organised. Many of us didn’t understand his behaviour and some gave unsolicited advice like I should take him out to public places more often.  What these good well wishers didn’t know was that my baby and I would be more stressed after a day out.  And why would I want to stress my baby up even more?  It doesn’t take a genius to know that he is happier at home.  Even today he prefers to stay at home than take a trip to the mall.

Many times during my journey in life with him, I hear myself asking not-good-enough questions like, ‘Why can’t you talk confidently in front of others?’ Or ‘Why do you have to sulk most of the time?’  Secretly I wanted a more cheerful, smiley boy.  A boy who would not complain so much and perhaps exhibits a little more confidence. Did I also tell you that he is a lot like his mother?  She prefers to stay at home too if given a choice, and would avoid the company of others too unless absolutely necessary.   His mother also speaks in a small voice and is indecisive in almost all matters.  Why then, would she impose perfection upon her child?  After a long while, I came up with this answer. Perhaps to make right of her own imperfections through her son. I realised that I wanted to mold him into the person I strived to become.  The message I was delivering to him was this: ‘It is not good enough to be yourself.’  I would hate it if another person told me that!  My daily prayer for Daniel has changed.   I no longer ask for a perfect boy.  Now my daily  prayer is , ‘Please Lord, help me to accept Daniel as he is.’   And did I tell you that his mother turned out quite all right in our competitive world where good looks matter and the super rich gets ahead in life? Even with all her imperfections. ? “Free the child’s potential, and you will transform him into the world.” – Maria Montessori 

Dear James,

For the past week or so, the most challenging task in the mornings was waking you up for school.   Normally an early bird, for some strange reason, you had decided to sleep in since you started schooling.  Because of the rush, I don’t even remember brushing your teeth during these mornings.  In the beginning, my focus was to get you to school on time.  Two days later, my whole focus was to get you to school.  Period.  I didn’t care if you were in class half an hour late.  I just wanted you to go to school. These morning adventures took up my whole physical and emotional being. You are such a strong-willed boy.  And a screamer!  Most days I had to bodily drag you into your class amidst your kicking and loud protests. Oh, I wanted so much to make school pleasant for you.  How could I when I had become the bad person making you miss your favourite programme ‘Noddy’ in the mornings? I didn’t want to be one of those parents who seemed to have uncaringly abandoned a wailing child.at school  I wanted to be gentle but firm with you.  And during these mornings, I wanted to leave you in school happy.  That didn’t work out because you still clung to me no matter what I did, or said to you.  I was one of those parents in the end.   

Do you remember those mornings?  One morning, you wouldn’t get out of the car at the school gate.  Another morning, you wouldn’t take off your shoes in school.    You know what son?  I am glad that during those moments, I had the spare time needed to hold you and tell you that life was going to be ok.  It was ok to be afraid.  It was ok to cry. It was ok to take your time.   And to tell you that I would be here with you as long as it took for you to walk to that class of yours.   That  must have been the longest walk of your young life.    

The daily routine was that I would  leave you in the safe hands of your teacher, and briskly walk out of the door.  One morning, you burst into tears as I was leaving the room.  I felt my heart burst as well.  Maybe I should take you home today, I told myself.  Your teacher got down eye level with you and gently wiped away those precious tears.   God Bless Teacher Allison.  

On the ninth day of school,  something wonderful happened.   As I braced myself for another tussle with you,  you were unbelievably cooperative.  We didn’t have to pin you down to wear your uniform. You ate your breakfast without a fuss. I even had time to brush your teeth!  Wow!  And got you to school fifteen minutes earlier!  Thank you for making school pleasant for me! 

The following day, I left you at the gate and you didn’t even look back.  You walked in as if you were part of the school!   “I don’t need you anymore mum.  I know the way , “ you matter-of-factly  said to me when I wanted to walk you to your class.  From afar,I watched you walk into your classroom all by yourself.  As abruptly as your papa cut the umbilical cord when you were born, I felt the same sudden separation when you declared your independence that Tuesday morning.

I am so proud of you.  I felt pride when you walked in alone that day, but I was proudest when you went to school anyway, even when you were afraid.  You are a brave boy. And son, let us celebrate a new beginning for the both of us.  Cheers to your newly-found independence!Love, Mum.

Three children and two adults are enough to create an exciting weekend every week.  And this does not include activities like picking up trails of biscuit crumbs , mopping clean spills of sweetened beverages and sweeping sands left behind on our freshly mopped floors by our children after a day out in our garden.  

My better half is humorous, easygoing and gets along well with other adults.  However, with children he believes that they should not be spared the rod.  And kids should be seen and not heard.  All right, he is not as fearsome as I have pictured him to be but close enough.  Clearly men are confusing creatures because as much as he would like to have respectful and well-mannered children, it is mindboggling to know that he would allow his children to watch ‘The Simpsons’, and ’Blade : Trinity’ among others .    He is of the opinion that Ruffles by the handfuls and Mars bars are perfectly all right just before main meals.  There will be no prizes for guessing who will be feeding his children lunch and dinner today and everyday of their young lives.  Guess who screamed the loudest when the kids were eating the Mars bar( again)   just before dinner?  Definitely not the male adult. 

This is the same man who will scream his head off for things that I wouldn’t whimper about.  Like when the carpets in our cars were scattered with sand and mud brought in by our children and yours truly.  What is the big deal, I wonder?  Now I can see our male friends shaking their heads and saying, ‘You poor stud, your wife just doesn’t get it does she?’  I also don’t see the need for him to restick every crooked sticker pasted by our five year old.  Hey, if the kid is happy I am happy.  

My spouse and I are away from each other for at least eleven hours in a day.  Absense does make the heart grow fonder.   I have conjured and maintained this perfect image of my spouse for the daily eleven hours he is away from me .  That is until the weekend is here and we have to work together to make this household work.   Reality hits you hard when the person you think you love to be with isn’t who the person really is.   To fully understand this explanation,  be with your partner for forty eight hours  continuously in the same house.   Include also one child below the age of five.  If you are brave enough, add two more children all under the age of seven.   After the weekend, come back and tell me if you are still happy with your spouse staying at home. If your answer is positive, double the number of children in your household and try again the following weekend.       

Consider these weekend scenarios:-

Scenario No 1.  Our 21 month old son is badly in need of  a shower after a long day at play.   My continuous  reminders to my spouse have fallen to deaf ears, so I finally relent and decide to give my toddler a shower myself.  My spouse is nowhere to be seen, probably cleaning his already spotless car again.  ‘What are his priorities?’ I asked myself.  I can hardly control my irritation now.  

Spouse :  Didn’t I tell you that I will bathe him?

Me :  Ya, that was two hours ago.  Look at the time now.  It’s getting late.  I can’t wait anymore.   Where were you?  With your car again? 

Spouse :   You think you are so clever!  ( Voice dripping with Sarcarsm).  You won’t see me next weekend.  I am going back to work!

And I wished that he would too.  What a horrible thought!  All week I had looked forward to spending time with him during the weekends.  How did we end up having this awful conversation?  We were at each other’s throat.   

Scenario No. 2.  We will be taking the boys out to the zoo today.  I am mentally ticking off my checklist to ensure that we have an enjoyable trip.  Things to bring along :  Water bottles, snacks, a change of clothes, socks, sun tanned lotion, and caps.  What about the mosquito repellant gel?    Make sure that the kids eat a full breakfast first.  What should I prepare for dinner tonight when we come home?  Have I taken plasters, just in case.   And the list goes on.   This conversation takes place in the car as we are about to leave.

Me :  Have you taken the camera?

Spouse :  What camera?  I thought you were supposed to bring it along.

Me:  No, I don’t have it.  Has the battery been charged? 

Spouse :  Looks like I have to do everything around here!!!

That man!  He makes me so mad!  He is so infuriating!  I asked him to do ONE thing and he snaps back as if he was the one who packed our knapsacks, fed the kids, dressed them up and made them ready to go.  I didn’t have two spare  seconds to think of what to dress myself in for the outing!   What does he care about anyway??

Sometimes I think to myself, ‘Why can’t I run our household like a corporation?’  The couple each gets a job description, clearly describing the nature of the job required and its expectations.  It would be a fair system, making sure that each adult does  fifty percent of the work.  That way no one gets bitter thinking the other has done far less work comparatively.  There would be a clear cut line on who will be bathing the kids tonight , and less bickering on whose turn is it to clean Brian’s bottom.   Isn’t it a good idea??  Duh… I tried but it didn’t work.  Simply because our household is not a corporation.  And simply because both the adults think that each is the management!

I learnt more about my spouse in one weekend working with him to raise our children than in a year of  romantic dating.  I call it work because it is hard work raising three kids.   We have come a long way since the zoo trip.  We’ve learnt to fill in the gaps where the other has left out.  We have learnt to walk into a room uncalled when a child has been wailing for more than five minutes.  Clearly the attending adult needs help.   I have learnt to give my spouse his space with his kids to create his special moments with them.  Sometimes we make good team mates, other times no.  When we are stepping on each other’s toes instead of dancing the waltz together,  everyone has a bad day including the children.  Deep down inside,  the two so-called adults know that the household happiness is  of utmost important.   We have learnt to push our differences aside, and let our teamwork spirit take over once again.  The anger abruptly disappears as suddenly as it erupted.   

By the way, I solved the zoo problem.  When the anger has gone, and the dust has settled , I told my spouse politely that his ONLY responsibility whenever we leave the house would be the digital camera.  He will have to make sure that the battery is charged and to take the camera along every single time.  We have been working well together under that condition since.  Am I clever or what?  

However, not all issues can be so easily solved.  He maintains that feeding  my kids with junk food  ( my term used for his infamous Mars Bars) just before the main meals is perfectly all right .  Not everyone is perfect…  then again, not everyone strives for perfection.  I still love you honey bun… 

If you feel that you are giving too much and your spouse is not giving enough to maintain your household,  you know it’s time to have that teamwork casual chat. 

Until then, Have a great weekend. 

Cheers! 

Have you ever tried the ‘If Only’ psychological game?  It starts like this.  You’ve had a bad day and the stakes are high against you in a cruel world.  ”If only I had an extra one million dollars in my bank account I wouldn’t have to work so hard,” I would tell myself.  And so begins the wonderful life I could have with my If only-s. 

If only I had five million dollars I would be enjoying life in Hawaii now.  If only I had a successful business I would never have to work again.  If only I had won last night’s Jackpot I would tell my boss what a pain in the arse he is.    If only I were as rich as Bill Gates I would bathe in my golden bathtub everyday! If only I had Harry Potter’s success …, if only I were born rich…, if only I had married a super rich man…, if only…, if only….  Do you get my drift? 

The game gets trickier when the going gets tougher.  The less If only-s I need, the more they plant themselves in my mind.   As life throws problems at me, I would like to think that I am able to solve my issues in my current state of mind and body.  These If only-s do the total opposite for me.  These three little syllables rob me of all my god-given abilities and  strongly states that I am not enough!  I am not good enough to start a business  If only I had Donald Trump’s wisdom.  I am not good enough to write a book!  If only I had JK Rowling’s magic pen.  I am not good enough as a parent.  If only I had read James Dobson’s parenting guide.  Do you get my drift? 

‘Begin with the end in mind.’ ’Stay focused on your goals!’  ‘ Fake it till you make it.’  Advice worth their weight in gold.  Alas!  My If only-s fantasies seemed more interesting and less threatening.   Then, came the magic phrase from a seminar I am currently attending.  ” Work with what you have.”  I have nothing!  Then, start with nothing!  At least, it is something.  It’s reality at its best.  I thought hard trying to work this piece of advice.   And the other question the trainer kept asking was, ’What do you enjoy doing?’  I enjoy doing nothing!  Well, that is only the half truth.   One of the few things I really enjoy doing is writing.  My trainer suggested, ’Why don’t you start a blog?’  Never knew how a blog works.  Am still not so sure.   The fact is , there were already two other friends who gave me the same suggestion.  Why didn’t I listen to them?  I don’t know.   And what do I have to do to make my writings a success?  I don’t know.  How can I work on my writings when I have nothing?  Let’s start with a pen and some paper.  Daniel’s pencil box and rough papers must be lying somewhere around the house.   Better still,  I have a desktop in my hall upstairs and a cool looking black keyboard.   

 After many hair tearing days of  name searching,  it seemed like every conceivable name that I could think of has been taken.   I sat and thought about my life.   Of  how every phase had an exciting beginning to it.  My first day at school when I was seven.  I remember entering the wrong class  and how I panicked when there was no mummy to help me to the right one.  My first night away from home in a university dormitory.  I felt like I was seven again.   That was a good time to have good friends.  The first time I knew I was expecting a baby.  I felt  excited and overwhelmed at the same time.   That was a real beginning.  I was twenty nine years old and even when the world classified me as a young adult, I felt like a child still. That day was the beginning of a growing up process.   The first day I left work to be home with my children. You mean, I could still be in my pajamas at 9am and not rush out of my house by 7am to beat the traffic jam? I could  do this forever, I told myself,  until I discovered that there were no off days, public holidays and pay days. The first day I was in Switzerland in the dead of winter.  That was a cold beginning.  Our apartment ran out of hot water.  Europe’s cold water was as cold as ice, only I didn’t know that.  There I was using the shower for 2 minutes under running ice water and telling myself that I needed to finish my bath.  I was out of there in ten seconds flat!  I’ve never felt so frozen in my whole entire life just after arriving from a hot country of 30 degrees celsius.  The latest beginnning that I had was sending Daniel away from home for seven hours a day for five days a week.   He goes to school now, and has to fend for himself.  This is a difficult beginning for me.   It is time to let go a little.   The more I thought, the more I realised  that my life is all about beginnings.

My spouse liked the name.  I liked the name.  No one using the world wide web claimed this address to be theirs yet, and so, www.writingbeginnings.com was born.

“Work with what you have.”   I worked with nothing and created something.  It sure beats the If only-s in my life. 

You too can create something out of nothing. 

Cheers! 

James is really getting it.  He realises now that he has to go to school everyday, and is kicking up a fuss about it.  Yesterday he pouted, ‘I am not going to school today.’  After some coaxing and gentle forcing ( use your imagination) I managed to get him to school just in time.    Today is another story.  He screamed, ‘ I am not going to school Forever!’  Great.  After a lot of coaxing which didn’t work at all, I decided that the best solution is to exhibit the cane.   It’s obvious that ALL child psychologists out there do not have an extremely stubborn child like mine.  I did get him to school today albeit some hysterical screaming and legs kicking.  What ever is going to happen tomorrow?   After all the child has already stated strongly that he is not going to school Forever!

Here I am asking myself, ‘ I got him ready for school today.  Do I have to get him ready again tomorrow?’    Worse still, do I have to do this forever!?  I mean, I don’t even remember enjoying school as much as I am telling James that he should.  And there’s still Brian,  and Daniel has just started real school.  Life seems to be one long road. 

Perhaps I should take my own advice I dispensed to James today.  ‘ Just take school one day at a time.’     

As of now, I hope that your child is enjoying school more than James and you are enjoying being a parent more than I.

Cheers! 

James is our second child.  Everyday last year he sees his big brother going to school.  As many other children, he is competitive and strives to do what his sibling does.  And everyday for the past year, he enthusiastically tells me that he wants to follow his brother to this enchanted place calls school.

He finally started school this year.  The first day turned out well.  He didn’t fret and waved me off.  Personally I am quite relaxed with James because he has a charming personality and gets along well with other children.  The second day of school arrived.   Having just awoken from slumber, he asked me ‘ I went to school yesterday.  Do I have to go again today?’  

Welcome to the real world!,  I wanted to tell him.  Now he will understand the term ‘ Thank God It’s Friday!’ or ’The weekend has finally arrived!’   All right, it’s only the child’s second day of school.  So, I’ll refrain myself from saying something harsh like, you’ll have to do this for the next twelve years of your life! 

Son, wait until you start work… 

For those of us who work for a living,  we should ask ourselves the same question the child asked.  I went to work yesterday, do I have to go to work again today?  Possibly  this will spark off a million ideas on how to earn royalty income or see the beginning of a great successful business venture.  Look at Ms J.K. Rowling and how an idea of hers  grew so big,  even she couldn’t stop the worldwide Harry Potter Mania.    

And in my real world until I earn some royalty income, I am glad that today is a Sunday!

Cheers! 

Change has never come easy to me.  If anything, I would like to preserve the way things are today.  The same today, the same everyday.   One of the best ways that I know of to resist change is to have a routine.  Routines are good for me.  They are predictable and therefore creates less stress in my already hectic life. 

Today is January 03,2008.  Today my routine changed.  Daniel is seven years old this year.    Today he goes to a primary school.  He looked so handsome in his white and blue school uniform.   Today I sent him out of my protective world I so carefully created for him to strive and grow into our real world.   Today, I’ve met more strangers in a day than I did in the past year.  His new school teacher, other new parents, his new classmates.   Today I cried a little.  My baby is all grown up now.  Would he be able to cope in a class of 50?  Will he learn to live with this sudden change in his life?  Will he miss me as much as I missed him already?  Does his teacher know how precious and special this boy is?   He was braver than his mother!  He didn’t shed a tear.    

Today nothing was easy.  In fact, today I sent not one, but two little boys out to explore our beautiful world.  James is 4 years old this year.  Today he made his brother’s uniform his and proudly wore it to his kindergarden.   Last year it was his brother’s kindy, this year it is his.  Today I went to the same kindergarden but holding a different boy’s hand.  I could feel James’s  pride as he walked into his new classroom.  Just like how he saw his brother attending kindy last year.  Today I handed James over to his teacher, and prayed that she will take good care of his physical being and spirit.    

Today my spouse was with me.  I appreciated his presence.  Our boys need his presence in this time of change.   Thanks honey for just being there!  You are truly a great daddy.   

If you have a small child, take time to spend time with her.  Create moments with her.  Create great memories with her when she is home with you.  That is the only time you have your child’s heart and soul, body and spirit.   Some day later in your life like my today , your routine will surely change when you send your child on her first day to school.  Even then, when she meets all these other wonderful people in her life, she would be able to say, ‘My fondest memory is my daddy throwing me up into the air’, or ‘ I remember my mummy making me look more beautiful combing my hair’.  Surely with all these beautiful moments you’ve created with her,  your child will be more equipped to face life challenges when they come. 

Today is a new beginning for me.  And this year a new year.  

I wish you a Happy New Year 2008!  Cheers!