Erma Bombeck, that wise humorist, when asked what she had learned from raising her children, replied, “That a child needs your love the most when he deserves it the least.” – How to stress-proof your child, Reader’s Digest, October 1985.

I am constantly at odds and ends with Daniel, my eldest son.  He is eight years old this year.  The reason being is because I believe, we possess totally different personalities.

It is difficult for me to understand why he frets over matters that are deemed unimportant to me or when he stubbornly refused to take his mother’s noteworthy advice.  Whenever I am with Daniel, the role of positive parenting eludes me.  Constantly replacing positive thoughts and deeds are harsh words, threats and shouts.  The aftermath of these dramatised moments is always followed by a feeling of guilt on my part. 

I find myself being highly critical of his behaviour.  Daniel shouts more than he talks.  Daniel is always negative about everything.  Daniel has a much unwanted stubborn streak.  Daniel whines too much. Daniel is rude always. Daniel is too this, and Daniel is too that.  Interacting with this boy seems to perpetuate the worst in me.   

This night was a regular night.  I was at the computer when my spouse approached me.

“Look at what Daniel did,” he said.  “He is so thoughtful.  He bought some stamps for me,” he continued talking while handing me a small packet of transparent plastic.

My spouse is an avid first day cover and stamp collector.  Obviously Daniel has been observant of this.

I looked down at his handout.  Sure enough, there it was.  Three good looking rectangular stamps arranged properly in the plastic.  Each had a drawn picture of a fish.  

This was turning out to be an irregular night.  I did not believe this.  My son, the laid back boy?

“Where did he buy it?” I asked.

“He bought it in school.  He bought it for a dollar,” my spouse replied.

“You mean he bought it with his pocket money?” I enquired further.  This boy had done an extraordinary task.  He had bought a gift for his father on his own initiative and without any promptings from the adults. 

That night I gazed at my sleeping son.  I realised that he was merely a young child trying his best to find his way to be in the world.  He earned a new sense of deep respect and great pride from me after the unexpected act of love. 

Surely his father must know how important and influential his presence is in the lives of his sons.  And possibly, this is the best Father’s day gift ever! 

Every child is indeed special, and especially Daniel.  He has a heart of gold.       

Shame on his mother. 

“Our memories of the ocean will linger on, long after our footprints in the sand are gone.”  - Anonymous

The children had just finished their two week school holiday.  Their father decided that they should be taken on a real holiday and asked me to reserve accommodation near the beach.

The hotel has a really nice setting.  I know because I tagged along with my spouse the last time he was there for a business meeting.  In fact, many months ago, I pestered him to take the children there for a holiday.  He finally relented and instructed me to do the bookings. 

After making numerous phone calls later, I managed to secure a room for two nights despite the heavy reservations being made due to the school holidays.

The hotel had a kiddy pool which our two older boys jumped in right into.  The pool which was one meter deep was also very exciting to play in because it had a blue water slide.  The boys would slip into their tyre floaties and hold them at their waists before sliding down at top speed into the water making a big splash and squealing with laughter.  Brian can’t touch ground yet when in the pool but he was fearless riding the slide at top speed tailing behind his brothers.

And then it happened.  His swim tube slipped out as he was sliding down into the water.  Naturally he went under as soon as he hit the water. 

I had just begun to relax and was enjoying the warm sunshine when I saw him plopped under.  With all the speed my seven month pregnant form could muster, I waded towards his aid. I quickly pulled him up, but not before he gulped down some water.  He came up spluttering and coughing.  He then sobbed a little before starting to breathe again.  He was clearly upset. 

The lifeguard came over to find out if everything was all right.  He told us there was a newly opened wading pool nearby which was more suited for a three year old. 

To appease the boy, I then decided to rent a floating croc for the boys to ride on in the water.  It was a huge crocodile, green in colour and filled with air.   It was so huge that even an adult could float on it in the pool.  After much difficulty, I hoisted James and Brian on top of the floating croc while Daniel maneuvered it while standing waist deep in the water. 

I turned my back for one second and then, it happened again.  I heard a splash and Brian screaming.  I spun around and saw the two brothers holding him above water.  One was holding his head and the other his legs to keep him afloat, and him, screaming his lungs out.  For the second time that morning, I lunged my oversized stomach forward and carried him upright.

I looked at the older boys for an answer.  Daniel pointed at James and said, he did it.  I glared at James, and waited for him to speak.  Obviously the little boy did not know the danger of drowning because he was laughing when he said,  “I overturned the crocodile!” 

I never let Brian out of my sight again that day.  Young children must have short memories because he was happily playing again with his brothers when my spouse came downstairs to join us later that morning.  But he would not zoom down the water slide anymore for the rest of our time there no matter what we said or did to make him feel more secure.     
     
Well, there was always the wading pool to make up for his lack of confidence in the water.  He didn’t feel threatened as it only reached his ankles.  There were spouting fountains fixed at the sides of the pool and another cascading one in the middle for more fun and action.  Brian was running in circles in the pool to stop the fountains from spouting water, and loving every minute of it.  And I was in a definitely more relaxed mood sunbathing in this wading pool.  Surely, the boys could never drown in the shallow waters.

Daniel as usual, was the chief coordinator.  He lugged the huge green croc into the pool and volunteered to give rides to the other two boys.  James was more interested in the fountains.  He would go looking for adventure.  He absolutely loved drenching himself under the falling waters of the man made tiny fountain at the middle of the pool.   He made Brian go under the fountain as well, but the latter didn’t like it and made a big fuss.  James laughed. 

The boys needed minimum supervision from us in this wading pool.  They had each other to entertain themselves, and of course there were the ever flowing fountains for more creative play. 

My spouse and I were finally able to have the long awaited vacation that both of us were so looking forward to.  Away from work pressure and the constraints of time, we communicated with ease.  I do not remember all that we said or discussed, but I remember us enjoying each other’s company very much.  And I also recall then, why I fell in love with this man the very first time I spoke to him.  He made me laugh easily with his jokes and both of us enjoyed listening to Bee Gees. 

From the wading pool which was built on higher ground, we were able to see the beautiful beach as our backdrop against the blue sky.  Every day for the three days I am thankful that we had excellent warm weather.  When the boys were tired of the pools, we reached for our spades and buckets, before heading for the sands.  The walk was just a few minutes away, across grass and palm trees. 

Nature beckons us with her timeless song of her gentle waves rolling towards shore.  I feasted my eyes on the waters with her glorious colour of different shades of blue.  Drawing in a deep breath of salty air, I felt myself being a part of this huge universe in this jigsaw puzzle of life.

The elder two boys were eager to get into the waters, but Brian was terrified of the waves.  My spouse accompanied the two boys into the sea, while I stayed behind with Brian to play on the sands. 

I sat beside Brian in comfortable silence.  He had everything he needed then, a spade and a bucket and of course, plenty of sand to dig with.  A child who is preoccupied is a happy one.  A mother whose child is preoccupied is happier.  I left him alone to do some work.  My mind took flight as he sat playing quietly next to me.      

He filled his bucket with sand, poured the sand out again and repeated the process.  Perhaps a more ambitious mother might ask how does her child benefit by doing this, but not I.  I was delighted to share this rare moment of togetherness with my child.  I am constantly experiencing life in a time pressured environment with datelines and goals attached to every single activity.  It was heartwarming to see my child dig sand for pleasure, and for just being. 

Soon, the boys were calling out to us to join them in the waters.  After some coaxing, we managed to get Brian into the waters.   We watched the sunset together while soaking in the sea.  The sun had turned into a warm red ball.   The sea was a mixture of turquoise blue and a rich orange colour against the blue reddish sky. 

The boys got restless after a while.  James found a way of self entertainment.  He waited at the shore for the waves to come in.  When they did, he ran inwards towards the sands laughing.  Then, he turned back to chase the waves when they rolled out.  Intermittently he joined his elder brother Daniel who was building sand castles nearby.

Daniel is our builder and thinker.  For his time at the beach, he was not his usual whiny, complaining self because he was doing what he loved best.  His hands were magically transforming plain sand into castles, turrets and moats.  Working busily with his hands had a calming effect on his otherwise restless spirit. 

None of the boys had any reason to get at each other’s throat.  Each had carved his personal space with a unique agenda under the big blue sky and the vastness of the ocean.
We were one happy family.
  
All too soon, dusk fell.  The tide was coming in and, the sea was beginning to turn rough.  Reluctantly, I called for the boys to head back to the hotel.  We cleaned and washed the sand clinging to our skin at the nearby showers . 

The boys were still energetic from a nap earlier that afternoon.  And so the adults decided that play should continue at the hotel pools for a little while more before having dinner.  The water was soothing and warm to the skin.   

I managed to obtain one of the green floating crocs for the boys.  Their father gladly entertained them in the pool with the floating croc while I lie in my lazy chair.

Most of the crowd has left for dinner.  I welcomed the calm and  silence.  There were only us and another family in the water.  The scorching sun was no longer blazing.  Night covered us like a blanket, cooling the air.  I looked up into the darkened sky and saw some twinkling stars.  Palm trees sway gently in the breeze.  I was transported to another place and time.  This whole panoramic experience reminded me of the many Arabian Nights stories I loved and knew so well.  It is hard to believe that it had been more than two decades since my mother used to read those stories to me.  

We have had some bad experiences with the hotel services.  When we checked in, we were given a room that was being occupied.  Housekeeping services were not available the whole day and they only came late in the night after five persistent calls to them.  We walked into one of their restaurants to have a look at their menus only to find out that there was none available according to the waiter on duty.  I looked at him in disbelief, but there was little else we could do except leave. 

There were other minor inconveniences during our stay there, but I was glad we took this holiday because the hotel provided two essential elements; sands and waters.  These two elements were provided in excellent conditions in the form of a beautiful beach with fine sands and waters, in addition to providing superb pool facilities. 

Sands and waters, two great combination for creating everlasting memories for us and the boys.  The room rates were pricey but our time together as a family was priceless. 

It was truly a great holiday.

If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.  - Mary Engelbreit

I am still on thoughts on taking different paths.  It was my dad who prompted these thoughts.  A few weeks ago, he had to send my brother to the airport, and find his way home on his own.  Though he had taken the route before, he needed to rely heavily on signboards to get home.

This time was no different.  He faithfully followed the green signboard, which according to him would take him towards the freeway, the most direct and quickest way home.  But instead of leading him directly home, the green signboards led him to a side slip road.  He had to travel many extra kilometers and pay additional toll charges before being able to turn off at the correct exit.   He got home safely nonetheless.

He sat down at his favourite spot on the sofa that afternoon, and related his experience to us.  Although I was not familiar with the  route, I knew that he had taken a longer ride home.  There was definitely a shorter and cheaper alternative route.  My spouse would be the best person to ask for directions, I told my dad.  

Two weeks later, he had to chauffeur my brother once again to the airport.  He arrived home to tell us that he had taken the same long route again. 

The first question I asked myself was, why did he take the same route again when he already knew that it was an unnecessary long complicated journey and he had to pay extra toll money to get home. 

He could have easily asked for the directions, and got home in half the time. Instead, he took the path that was safe and familiar to him.  I tried to comprehend this but to no avail.

For reasons unknown to me, this issue kept cropping up in my mind throughout the whole of last week.  I pondered deeply upon this, and discovered a part of myself.

As difficult as it is to confess, I realised that I would have done the same thing if I were in my dad’s shoes.  A little deviation from familiarity can be notoriously dangerous for me.

When I applied this startlingly discovery to the other areas of my life, it became obvious that I had walked the same path again and again because it was ‘safe’ and familiar.  This does not mean that I had taken the most direct shortest path to attain my desired results.

I would struggle to get out of my credit card debt, to get myself laden with another pile of debt once again.  I attribute this to the same spending habits and thought patterns that I have acquired throughout the years. 

I had done what my dad did.  I had taken the same path again and again without thinking much about this because it was deemed safer and more familiar.  It is of no surprise that my actions produced the same results every single time.  

How can I teach my children about taking risks and embracing change if I was not able to do so myself?  How do I strengthen my relationship with my spouse if I was not prepared to risk a little more by listening harder and talking less?  How do I begin to teach my children to love themselves if I have yet to initiate the journey within myself?

The obvious solution to the above questions, I believe, is to take a stroll on a different path.  A new path, which may seemed riskier and unfamiliar in the beginning may be more rewarding in the end.    

Cheers!  to you, my friends and a good week ahead.